remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
