that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
