I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
