Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.