You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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