He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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