The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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