God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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