There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
