True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
