I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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