I just made out with a guy for $7.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
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Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
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Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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