I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
