I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
