He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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