just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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