I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
