Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
