hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
