My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
