I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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