Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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