I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
