I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
