Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
