Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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