Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
