My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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