that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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