You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
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