You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
