My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
