I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
