mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
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he quoted the bible to break up with me
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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