shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
