I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
