He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
there is puke in my bra ... again
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
