dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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