Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
