White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
