Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
