there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
