I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
