Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
