What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Randomize
