i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
