Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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