You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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