He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize