So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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