If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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