At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
