The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
