we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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