make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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