Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
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